Dear mister government

 

I have just received the AIDS leaflet through my door and would like to apply straight away for AIDS.

 

I have been on NASS for the past ten years and have been living on Benefit and every other State aid I could get. It now seems I will be getting aid for sex. It's a pity this AIDS has come so late as I have already got 15 children and wondered if you will be making back payments.

 

Your leaflet states that the more sex I have the more chances I have of getting AIDS. My only problem is persuading my wives, who are not so keen after 15 kids. Several years ago I bought some sex aids but they showed little interest and they were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the £17.82p I paid for these gadgets?

 

Anyway, I will now explain to them that the Government will now be paying us for all the sex we have and I'm sure they will agree that we can't let a chance like this slip by.

 

You also state that I can pass my AIDS on, but as you will understand with two wives and 15 kids to feed there won't be much left to pass on. If by any chance there is a bit left though I will pass this on to my poor old mother-in-law's who only have their pensions.

 

I understand from your leaflet that I can get AIDS through a blood transfusion and I intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see when I can have one. Will the AIDS I get from the hospital be deducted from the AIDS I get from you? Perhaps you will write and let me know.

 

I am a firm believer in getting every aid from the country I can get and I'm sure you'll agree that by my past performance I do qualify for this one.

 

Could you let me know how much I will get paid each time, and will it be weekly or monthly payments?

 

Yours faithfully,

 

Mohammed.