Stakeholder Elections
An interview with the Prime Minister Tony Bleurgh
Gavin Osler: Welcome, Prime Minister, and thank you for agreeing to be interviewed
Tonight.
Mr Bleurgh: (smiles) It’s good to be here and to have the chance to put forward the most revolutionary idea to hit British politics since we came to power. And that is really saying something. .. But before we start – your family keeping well? (Glances at watch.) I see they are watching your interview tonight. They look well. . . Good. Go ahead, Gavin. .
Gavin Osler: (disconcerted) Well, Mr Prime Minister. . .
Mr Bleurgh: Call me Tony. . .
Gavin Osler: Well, Tony, would you like to tell our viewers about your wonderful idea of `Stakeholder Elections’?
Mr Bleugh: It’s a simple matter really. We intend to bring in the Stakeholder Election Bill next week – and certainly before the next election – to ensure that the people of this country are given a chance to fully participate and have a recognisable stake in the electoral process. Charles, my – er – our Home Secretary will be announcing it as `Instant Law’ in Trafalgar Square.
Gavin Osler `Instant Law’?
Mr Bleurgh: It’s a simpler, more catchy term than `The Legislative and Regulatory Reform Bill’, don’t you agree?
Gavin Osler: Yes, it is. Much simpler.
Mr Bleurgh: And cuts out an awful lot of delay. . .
Gavin Osler: And disagreement. . .
Mr Bleurgh: There isn’t any disagreement.
Gavin Osler: Not now.
Mr Bleurh glances at watch: I see you’re daughter has just left the room – probably to go to the bathroom.. She’ll be all right though, one of our people is with her. . . You were saying?
Gavin Osler (gulps): So what are the essential points of the Stakeholder Election Bill?
Mr Bleurgh: It’s very simple. For some time now we – all parties - have been concerned at the evident failure of the voting system with the numbers bothering to vote falling every time there is an election.
We are the only political party in the world – outside Myan Mar and the old Soviet Union who have tried to claw back that failure by making postal voting more easy for all, but only a few took advantage of the system by voting more than once and as a result we were not returned with the kind of landslide we were expecting. So we have taken steps to rectify that.
Gavin Osler: That was designed?
Mr Bleurgh: (Quietly but with a smile) Everything is designed in my government.
Gavin Osler: And the Stakeholder Election Bill?
Mr Bleurgh: Well, with our recently introduced security and bar-coding system to help track the way people vote we hope to regularise the situation so that those who vote for fringe parties – such as the BNP and Greens, LibDems and UKIP – can be challenged and made to see the error of their ways. We might even extend that to the Tories if Dave doesn’t stop harassing me. . .
Gavin Osler: So you are effectively creating a `one-party state’?
Mr Bleurgh Oh heaven’s no! That would be criminal in a western democracy! The parties will still be there, and be government funded in inverse proportion to the number of votes they receive - but you might just be given a red card if you actually vote for them. . .
Gavin Osler: And the Stakeholder Election Bill?
Mr Bleurgh: Well this kind of thing costs money, you know, and Gordon is already complaining. So in order to ensure that the people have a real interest in any future election we intend to make an initial charge for each block of votes - we thought most people could afford about £50 every five or ten years – whenever there is an election. . . And we could save money by doing away with that nonsense about the voting age too.
Gavin Osler: But won’t this penalise the poor – the underprivileged?
Mr Bleurgh: No, no! We will have safeguards in place. If you, say, were on benefits - unable to find an employer to take you on and living in poverty – though there is little of that about now apart from our immigrants, legal and illegal, and asylum seekers – then you will be granted ten free votes each and these will be yours to use as you like. And providing you use them to vote for us you will keep that allowance for all other elections.
Gavin Osler: And if – say you are in a good job?
Mr Bleurgh: Then £50 per person will buy you ten votes each – and if you pay £100 then you get twenty votes each and so on. . . It seems ultimately fair that way.
Gavin Osler: And this will increase peoples’ vote?
Mr Bleurgh I have absolutely no doubt of that – certainly we are sure there will be a massive increase in voting as well as a huge swing to New Labour.
Gavin Osler: But won’t there be less people voting under such a system, Prime Minister?
Mr Bleurgh; (Laughs) Of course not, Gavin. When this becomes law there will be a £1000 fine for not voting.
Gavin Osler: Amazing!
Mr Bleurgh: Thanks, Gavin, We’ll speak again after the next election. . .
(Pause.) Is that it? All over? (Speaks into wristwatch) Okay – guys, it went A-okay – you can let them go now. . .
RC