Sung to the tune of Ernie, the Fastest Milkman in the west by Benny Hill:
Davey, rode the fastest push bike in the west
You could hear his tyres pound,
As they raced across the ground,
And the clatter of the wheels,
As they spun round and round,
And he pedalled into Westminster,
His helmet on his head,
His name was Davey,
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the west.
Now Davey had a chauffeur,
A fella known as Bill,
He followed Davey in the car,
From his home in Notting hill,
They said Davey was a hypocrite,
For cycling into work,
With his bags and clothes in a Lexus,
The two faced little berk.
They called him Davey,
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the west.
He said he's save the planet,
And if you want the proof,
Davey jetted off to Greenland,
And put a windmill in his roof,
He said I’ll bring you happiness,
Cos happiness is best,
We said Davey we'll be happy,
If you just tax us less,
And that flustered young Davey,
(Day-vey),
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the west.
Now Davey had a rival,
An evil-looking lad,
Called Gordon Browne from Kirkcaldy Town,
And he drove the voters mad.
He tempted them with benefits,
And his fancy jobs for life,
In his desperate run at number 10,
He even took a wife.
And though they swooned at the Cameroons,
Gordon said if you vote for me,
I’ll index link your pensions
And give you eyesight tests for free.
He thought they'd fall for his new capped teeth,
And his sultry Scottish charm,
But what put them off was he bit his nails,
Halfway down his arm.
Not like young Davey,
(Day-vey)
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the west.
But Gordon had a rival too,
His name was Tony Blair,
It tormented him from dawn to dusk,
That Tony was still there
He yelled; if you don’t get out now
Then I’ll be in my grave,
And sitting here in Downing Street,
Will be bloody Call Me Dave
And that tickled old Tony,
(To-ney)
And he had the biggest mortgage in the west.
Now Tony had a deputy
He wasn’t any good,
But he had a flat in Admiralty Arch,
And a house in Dorneywood
He thought he was a ladies man,
They didn’t come much smarter,
But behind his back the whole world laughed
At the size of his chipolata.
They called him two jags
(Two-Jags)
And he drove the fastest limo in the west
Young Davey had an A list
To get the Tories back
He’d only choose from candidates
Who were female, gay or black,
No more old blokes in pinstriped suits
Called Norman Geoff or Maurice
Just metrosexuals who ride bikes
And Etonians like Boris.
You all know Boris,
(Bor-is)
And he pulled the fastest women in the west
Dave was only thirty nine
He didn’t think he'd win
He could only hope that Tone and Gord,
Would do each other in,
Dave couldn’t know that Mr. Plod
Would feel old Tony's collar
For flogging seat in the House of Lords
For a suitcase full of dollars.
And so, at last, came Gordon's turn,
But as he stepped up to the mike,
He turned to see a man in green,
Approaching on a bike,
His head was down, his legs a blur,
Veins bulging in his neck,
Before Gordon knew what hit him,
He was lying on the deck.
As Gordon lay there dying,
The cyclist gave a wave,
Racing home to prepare for government,
Pedalled Call Me Dave,
His name was Davey,
(Day-vey)
And he rode the fastest push-bike in the west.