Coming next on EUTV2, it's Little England
Richard Littlejohn
 

Coming next on EUTV2, it's Little England

 

 

10:09am 3rd February 2006  In a major speech yesterday, Tony Blair lamented the failure of politicians to persuade voters of the glories of the European Union. Now it is revealed Brussels wants to set up its own satellite television service because it doesn't like the way the EU is portrayed, especially in Britain. Quite why Eurocrats think a new TV station is necessary when they already have the BBC and Channel 4 News is beyond me. So what can we expect from EUTV?

This column takes you through a typical day's schedule.

EUTV 1



6.00 GMTV Daily breakfast show for farmers, produced by the European Agricultural Commission and dedicated to extolling the virtues of Genetically Modified Crops.

9.30 RELOCATION, RELOCATION Kirstie and Phil join Peter and Reinaldo as they swop their Notting Hill flat and Hartlepool terrace for a swanky townhouse in the ritzy Rue des Jeunes Garçons, in Brussels.

10.15 BARGAIN HUNT Today's programme follows French and German utility bosses as they buy up British water and electricity companies for a song.

12.00 WORKING LUNCH A fly-on-the-wall documentary series which spotlights a group of MEPs as they trough their way through some of the finest Michelinstarred restaurants in Brussels and Strasbourg.

1.00 TEA WITH MUSSOLINI (2006) Feature film about a young, heart-throb Conservative leader who is seduced by an Italian temptress with a dark family history. Stars Isabella Rossellini as Alessandra Mussolini and David Cameron as himself.

3.15 BRITAIN'S BEST BACK GARDENS John Prescott at the wheel as thousands of back gardens in the south of England are bulldozed and replaced by hideous blocks of flats in line with EU planning directives.

4.15 DEAL OR NO DEAL Popular family game show in which contestants compete to see who can negotiate away Britain's rebate to Brussels in exchange for nothing in return. Introduced by Tony Blair.

5.00 READY, STEADY, COOK Ainsley Harriott's kitchen is raided by health and safety inspectors enforcing new Brussels hygiene regulations, with hilarious consequences.

6.00 BBC NEWS Another chance to see the special report on why opponents of the EU Constitution are all foam-flecked, racist, xenophobic, homophobic, BNP child-molesters.

7.00 WISH YOU WERE HERE Judith Chalmers talks to visitors from all over the world who have taken advantage of Europe's open borders and are planning to settle in Britain. Live from Sangatte.

8.00 RICK STEIN'S FRUITS OF THE SEA Rick's Padstow restaurant is forced into receivership as a result of the Government's latest concessions under the Common Fisheries Policy. Rick gets smashed on extrastrength scrumpy as the few remaining fishing boats in Padstow are put to the torch. Last in series.

9.00 TWO METRES UNDER Remake of the award-winning American series about a family firm of funeral directors. Tonight the brothers conduct a traditional open-air Hindu cremation ceremony on Hackney Marshes, following a successful legal challenge under Section 8 of the European Convention on Human Rights.

10.15 WHAT THE SICILIANS DID FOR US Adam Hart-Davis cycles round Italy explaining how the Mafia has managed to defraud EU taxpayers out of hundreds of millions of euros through an elaborate subsidy swindle involving non-existent olive groves.

10.45 THEY FLEW TO BULGARIA (2005) Made-for-EUTV update of the 1947 original, They Flew To Bruges, which starred David Niven as WWII ace Wing Commander Binky Beaumont. In this new version, Al Qaeda suspects are spirited away to secret locations under a process known as extraordinary rendition, hotly pursued by legally-aided lawyers from The Hague. Stars Adolf Hitler as George W. Bush.

EUTV 2



7.00 CHEESE-EATING SURRENDER MONKEYS Delightful French-made children's series about a group of spineless puppets who have discovered they have the power to turn food into oil. Your puppet-master is Saddam Hussein.

7.30 TELETUBBIES Tinky-Winky, Dipsy, La-La and Po and their genetically-modified rabbit wake up to find their hillside is covered with giant windmills under the EU's sustainable energy policy.

8.00 A PLACE IN THE SUN Jonnie and Jasmine fly to Greece where generous subsidies to local tobacco farmers are fuelling a booming market in second homes and Ferraris.

9.00 PAY OFF YOUR MORTGAGE IN TWO YEARS Neil and Glenys Kinnock explain how anyone can quickly pay off their outstanding debts by getting their entire family on the payroll of the European Commission.

10.00 WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE? New daytime slot for the phenomenally-successful game show, in which Chris Patten invites French peasant farmers to become rich beyond their wildest dreams, simply by phoning a friend in Brussels.

11.00 AN INSPECTOR CALLS (2005) EU-funded feature film following a group of inspectors from Britain's Office of the Deputy Prime Minister as they raid suburban homes in search of Jacuzzis, loft conversions, window boxes, patios and mixer taps which have not been declared to the authorities for the purposes of taxation. Stars John Prescott as Reinhard Heydrich.

1.15 HOME AND AWAY How MEPs juggle a wife in Britain and a mistress in Brussels. Nigel Farage, of the UK Independence Party, has been having an affair with a half-German, half-Swedish blonde EU researcher called Liga. Worth watching for the nail-biting scene in which Mrs Farage discovers Liga's phone number on Nigel's mobile and decides to call her.

2.00 ON THE FIDDLE Undercover report into the millions of euros lost through creative expense accounting by MEPs.

3.30 YOU'VE BEEN FRAMED David Blunkett and his dog Sadie introduce this exciting new show in which perfectly innocent, law-abiding British citizens, who have committed no crime under domestic law, are arrested and whisked off abroad to be sent to prison for life by publicityseeking foreign magistrates under the new European Arrest Warrant.

4.30 THE WEAKEST LINK Cruel game show in which Tony Blair is berated by a panel of EU politicians for his abject failure to con the British people into accepting the euro.

5.30 THE MONEY PROGRAMME An investigation into why the auditors have refused to sign off on the EU's accounts for the seventh year running. (rpt)

6.30 BIG BROTHER Davina McCall introduces the show from the headquarters of Galileo, the expensive new EU satellite system set up to spy on every single one of Europe's 730 million people.

7.30 LIFE ON MARS New timetravel drama in which a traditional British politician falls asleep and wakes up in Brussels at the headquarters of the EU, where he is horrified by the bullying and corruption and the contempt his new colleagues have for the people who pay their wages.

9.00 LITTLE ENGLAND Award-winning comedy follow-up to Little Britain, from Matt Lucas and David Walliams. New characters include Maggie Handbag (catchphrase "no, but, no, but, no") and gay Tory MP Sir Jasper Dandruff (the only Eurosceptic in the Valleys). Peter Mandelson guest stars as Sebastian.

10.00 WHAT THE PAPERS SAY Exclusive video footage of a Danish newspaper editor being beheaded for publishing a cartoon of the Prophet Mohammed.

10.15 CLOSEDOWN (due to new European Working Time Directive).