Daily Mail Richard Littlejohn
Stockwell shooting: Now that shocking Ian Blair tape in full
09:34am 14th March 2006
The news that Met police commissioner Ian Blair taped a telephone conversation between himself and the Attorney General comes as no great surprise. Only yesterday a cassette dropped through my letter box in a plain brown Jiffy bag. It was from an anonymous source at Scotland Yard. Here are the edited highlights.
Commissioner speaking.
Morning, guv. This is George.
Hello, George, what's occurring?
There's been a bit of a cock-up on the antiterrorism front, I'm afraid.
Not another bombing?
No, guv. Worse than that.
What could be worse than another bomb?
We've shot a suspect.
Where?
On the Tube, at Stockwell.
Well done. Medals all round on this one. I could be looking at a peerage.
Er, it's not that simple, guv.
What do you mean?
I think we've made a ghastly mistake. We may have shot the wrong man.
He's not gay is he?
Not that we know of, guv.
Let's hope not, for your sake, George. You know my zero tolerance of homophobia. If the victim turns out to be a member of the gay community, you'll be back at Elstree directing traffic and wearing a pointed hat. Did you check his sexuality before you shot him?
There wasn't time, guv.
Wasn't time?
No, guv.
Couldn't you tell?
Tell what, guv?
If he was gay.
How were we supposed to do that?
You're a trained observer, George. Did he walk like a homosexual?
How do homosexuals walk, guv?
You know, swinging his hips in a suggestive fashion. Not that I'm stereotyping any member of a vulnerable minority, you understand.
Perish the thought, guv.
Was he wearing an Aids ribbon?
Can't say I noticed, guv.
Did he talk with a lisp?
I've no idea, guv. He didn't have time to say much before we blew his head off.
So you're absolutely sure he wasn't gay?
Guv, what does it matter? We shot an innocent man. Isn't that bad enough?
Christ, he wasn't black was he?
Not as such.
What's that mean, then?
Well, he might have been.
Might have been?
Difficult to tell, guv. There's not much left of him. The lads found a Brazilian passport in his backpack.
There you go. I knew he was black.
Not all Brazilians are black, guv.
Haven't you ever heard of Pele? This is disastrous. What was a Brazilian doing trying to blow up the Northern Line?
That's my point, guv.
What point?
He wasn't a suicide bomber.
Then why did you shoot him?
He looked like a suicide bomber and you told us that if in doubt we were to shoot first and ask questions later.
I said that?
Yes, guv. Shoot-to-kill, remember?
You're not pinning this one on me, George.
Guv?
I've got my reputation to think of. I've been on the wireless this morning talking about how we're playing out of our socks in tackling terrorism.
Unfortunate piece of timing, guv.
And now you tell me that we've - you've - just gunned down a member of a visible ethnic minority, who wasn't a suicide bomber and may or may not belong to the GLBT community?
GLBT, guv?
Gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, you cretin. Didn't you attend the last diversity seminar?
No, guv. I was raiding a ricin factory in Wood Green at the time.
That's no excuse. Here we are working together for a safer London and you're going round upsetting the vast majority of the peace-loving Muslim community looking for weapons of mass destruction. Doesn't the name Macpherson mean anything to you?
Guv?
This is typical of the institutionalised racism I'm confronted with daily. The Press are going to have a fieldday. Look at the ridiculous fuss they made over those two girls in Soham.
Guv, we're going to have to put out a statement.
Can't we say he was a member of the BNP who was shot while in the process of committing a hate crime?
Don't think so, guv.
Where did he stand on gay adoption?
Dunno.
Did he make disparaging homophobic remarks to a police horse?
Eh?
He wasn't reading out the names of the soldiers who have died in Iraq?
No, guv.
Did anyone see him depositing junk mail in a litter bin?
Not that they mentioned, guv.
Was he a fox-hunter?
Search me.
Was he resisting arrest for parking on a double yellow line?
No.
You sure he's not a middle-class, dinner party cocaine user?
Pretty positive, guv.
No chance he was rude about the Welsh, I suppose?
'Fraid not, sir.
Doing 35 mph in a built-up area?
Nope.
That's it, then. We're screwed. I've got to go, the Attorney General is on the other line. And, by the way, George.
Yes, guv.
This conversation never happened.